life versus death

i think about a time when i took a train to another train. i stood in the rainy morning with a man who wanted to buy me a cup of coffee. when the car came for me, you said, i almost lost you to him? i smiled, laughed a bit, thought, you will never lose me. i always come back to you. a moth to a flame. we ate bacon and eggs, touched our feet under the table, and i gazed at you. i said to the forest! we stomped around, deep in the green of the springtime, needing to be together outside in the world. branches broke when i stepped on them and huge prehistoric ferns spread themselves in our path. we stopped on a fallen log and i gazed at you again. a moth to a flame. i am all nerves. i thought this was over but yet i sat there gazing. it smelled wet and my pants felt wet and my shoes were muddy. you looked at me, you gazed, and i smiled. i want to be back there again, in that time, before everything stopped being about moths and gazing and started being about life and death. to a time that had no questions, no expectations, no fighting, no hurt. i am so glad there is one cigarette left on the dresser. i want to change everything.

off to places where lovers have wings

daybreak

COME my tan-faced children,
Follow well in order, get your weapons ready,
Have you your pistols? have you your sharp-edged axes?
Pioneers! O pioneers!

For we cannot tarry here,
We must march my darlings, we must bear the brunt of danger,
We the youthful sinewy races, all the rest on us depend,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

O you youths, Western youths,
So impatient, full of action, full of manly pride and friendship,
Plain I see you Western youths, see you tramping with the foremost,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Have the elder races halted?
Do they droop and end their lesson, wearied over there beyond the
seas?
We take up the task eternal, and the burden and the lesson,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

All the past we leave behind,
We debouch upon a newer mightier world, varied world,
Fresh and strong the world we seize, world of labor and the march,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

We detachments steady throwing,
Down the edges, through the passes, up the mountains steep,
Conquering, holding, daring, venturing as we go the unknown ways,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

We primeval forests felling,
We the rivers stemming, vexing we and piercing deep the mines
within,
We the surface broad surveying, we the virgin soil upheaving,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Colorado men are we,
From the peaks gigantic, from the great sierras and the high
plateaus,
From the mine and from the gully, from the hunting trail we come,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

From Nebraska, from Arkansas,
Central inland race are we, from Missouri, with the continental
blood intervein'd,
All the hands of comrades clasping, all the Southern, all the
Northern,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

O resistless restless race!
O beloved race in all! O my breast aches with tender love for all!
O I mourn and yet exult, I am rapt with love for all,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Raise the mighty mother mistress,
Waving high the delicate mistress, over all the starry mistress,
(bend your heads all,)
Raise the fang'd and warlike mistress, stern, impassive, weapon'd
mistress,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

See my children, resolute children,
By those swarms upon our rear we must never yield or falter,
Ages back in ghostly millions frowning there behind us urging,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

On and on the compact ranks,
With accessions ever waiting, with the places of the dead quickly
fill'd,
Through the battle, through defeat, moving yet and never stopping,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

O to die advancing on!
Are there some of us to droop and die? has the hour come?
Then upon the march we fittest die, soon and sure the gap is fill'd.
Pioneers! O pioneers!

All the pulses of the world,
Falling in they beat for us, with the Western movement beat,
Holding single or together, steady moving to the front, all for us,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Life's involv'd and varied pageants,
All the forms and shows, all the workmen at their work,
All the seamen and the landsmen, all the masters with their slaves,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

All the hapless silent lovers,
All the prisoners in the prisons, all the righteous and the wicked,
All the joyous, all the sorrowing, all the living, all the dying,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

I too with my soul and body,
We, a curious trio, picking, wandering on our way,
Through these shores amid the shadows, with the apparitions
pressing,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Lo, the darting bowling orb!
Lo, the brother orbs around, all the clustering suns and planets,
All the dazzling days, all the mystic nights with dreams,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

These are of us, they are with us,
All for primal needed work, while the followers there in embryo wait
behind,
We to-day's procession heading, we the route for travel clearing,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

O you daughters of the West!
O you young and elder daughters! O you mothers and you wives!
Never must you be divided, in our ranks you move united,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Minstrels latent on the prairies!
(Shrouded bards of other lands, you may rest, you have done your
work,)
Soon I hear you coming warbling, soon you rise and tramp amid us,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Not for delectations sweet,
Not the cushion and the slipper, not the peaceful and the studious,
Not the riches safe and palling, not for us the tame enjoyment,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Do the feasters gluttonous feast?
Do the corpulent sleepers sleep? have they lock'd and bolted doors?
Still be ours the diet hard, and the blanket on the ground,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Has the night descended?
Was the road of late so toilsome? did we stop discouraged nodding
on our way?
Yet a passing hour I yield you in your tracks to pause oblivious,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

Till with sound of trumpet,
Far, far off the daybreak call-hark! how loud and clear I hear it
wind,
Swift! to the head of the army!-swift! spring to your places,
Pioneers! O pioneers!

-walt whitman

we can all be free

i just watched the rest of beautiful losers on netflix. i am not in love with them, the beautiful losers. but i appreciate them and their perseverance. their motivation. their persistence. i am not these things right now. i've spent five days hiding from my responsibilities. instead, i eat bagels with cream cheese and tater tots with ketchup. i smoke cigarettes and drink new beers. i look at lights and sit in movie houses. i laugh. of course, these are all good things too. for sure, no doubt. but i slack and i feel heavy and gross. i feel full of all of these things. and it just continues, this overindulgence on food and laughter and love and cigarettes. i want to overindulge on work instead, but there seems no time for it. its 8:55 and i want to sleep because tomorrow i will take the train to nyc and eat lunch at elephant and castle and shop a little and come back to a naked tree in need to decorating. i will eat dinner with my family and smoke cigarettes with my sister and play mario kart. i will not go to church. i will avoid my responsibilities of grad school and my future and reading goethe and instead eat bacon and drink eggnog and coffee and play video games. when will i return to normal? my father repeats himself 35 times a day and i wish i could sit in a coffee shop and use my brain. i wish coming here didn't make me slow and lethargic because then i might be more inclined to move here and live. instead, i still long for berlin. and the future that awaits me there.

look what you've done for me

sylvia sleigh

apres moi

did you know true love asks for nothing?
-stevie wonder

inspiration

dans la grande pomme

say yes

in the lost and found

man friends, best friends, new friends, school friends...t minus 5 days until new york city.

(maybe, just maybe, t minus 6 months til life in nyc is reality)

regnerische Tage

brunch with roommates and boyfriends and friends is the best way to start saturday after a friday of pool and beer and pizza and whiskey. i slipped and fell on my ass last night right after i poured myself a nice glass of jameson. it spilled and i quickly filled it up again. i started a dance party at gestalt. my boyfriend has moves i've never seen before.

today after the brunch of latkes and chocolate chip pancakes and apple butter and bananas, we lay downstairs rubbing bellies and snoozing. we were extremely full and extremely happy and i believe extremely relieved that we didn't have to make brunch for 8 people.

2 hours after bellies were rubbed and appetites were satisfied, i bought a gorgeous aqua lacoste sweater and nick bought a new scarf and we looked at paintings. now i am at haus with a latte and the rain is off but its still wet outside. san francisco is beautiful today.

wolf among wolves

gordon matta-clark. my favorite artist. ever.

i see the sea

work by maya lujan

wanderlust

images from an exhibition proposal i am putting together.

rumble tumble

in three nights from tonight, we'll be at the commune. we'll drive down at night, through the mountains filled with deer. we'll arrive and drink some red wine and cuddle on a couch in the big house. we'll wake up and make pies and cauliflowers and eat avocados and cheese and fly kites. we'll make coffee and sit on the deck and look at the ocean. we'll see the ocean. we'll play bocce ball and drink beer from pint glasses and give lots of hugs and run around after lucia. we'll miss our own families and call them and send them our love. we'll laugh and relax and give thanks that extended families are for real. we'll eat those pies and drink those wines and cuddle once more on the couch.

the dust you kick up is too fine

new leaves

let's pretend its summer

brasilia, my heaven. oscar neimeyer, my love.

keep the car running

in our country hello looks just like goodbye
-laurie anderson

breaking away

and gather

oh earth

spooks

seanced

presently

1.dark tiffany aqua blue: the cover color of the postmodern condition: a report on knowledge.

2. carving pumpkins with handlebar mustaches that turn into scary mouths.

3. 69 love songs on repeat- minus about 25 of them.

4. bearded lovers.

5. blue bottle lattes.

6. lagunitas ipa.

7. dinner last night: bean cakes, sweet potatoes, and herb-encrusted corn on the cob + 1 bottle of red.

8. kids incorporated covers!

9. speaking to someone after a hiatus. 1 week or 1 year. pretty much the best.

10. old spice deodorant and the men who wear it.

you can read me anything

i've bascially spent the last few hours in bed, sort of working, sort of watching tv on the internet, sort of thinking about things. i almost feel i should pick a city out of a hat and just venture off. or buy that land in detroit and settle down to create an imaginary world that i dream about. i want to go everywhere but i also want to stay right here. i do know one thing though. i like sleeping in the middle of the bed, but i hate waking up alone.

you are not alone

images by misha de ridder. really feeling these intense quiet landscapes lately.

are you passionate?

you're young until you're old

from the archives

a million thousand words

this tornado loves you

no doubt about it. safety enveloped me last night and i dove head in. safety has this pull on me and i took the chance. it crept in over 6 months and at first i kept it at a safe distance. its smile was sweet and powerful though, and some nights i couldn't be without it, and most days i look for it around every bend. we move around together, latching onto each other more and more. i do not know what to do, but take deep breaths. and smile. things are so much clearer and even more unclear.

for tonight, for ever

it sort of seems perfect that i came home to this. well, this and an episode of californication. i am going to bed for the second time in 3 days at eleven pm. its just that my stomach is making noises and my heart is swaying every which way. i am homesick for something i cannot name. thank god for andrew bird and his whistling. and thanks nyla

an arrangement of rememberances

note to self

an e-flux email totally depressed me today. the aldrich is putting on the bicycle show that i have wanted to do for forever. i am too busy for myself right now.

call me home

one of my favorite places on earth, molly's home.

the nearby past

crazy moon on my widgets the other day.
still from greg stimac's new video.
you are not lost you are here.