shallow grave

a gallery of words

a thousand and one springs

if you were here, winter would not pass so slow

i am thinking about the summer and about driving to LA. i am thinking about institutional critique way too much. i am thinking that this blog is a huge procrastination for me, but in a good way because it makes me think about good and bad things, happy and sad things, people, places, and things. i am thinking of being outside like i was yesterday but today, i am at a desk. was i outside yesterday? that seems so long ago, up on the hill with the wind blowing. i am thinking about ellena and am excited to get an update email and about my birthday with the brown and blond haired pinatas in the shapes of cute girls. i am thinking about chilli with bacon grease and apples to apples dinner parties and homebrew. right now its raining and i want to sit here a little while longer. but i'll get up sooner and walk downstairs and putz around for awhile. i am thinking i should a little cleverer than i am.

i am listening to ra ra riot and i am waiting for you to run away with me. but if that was to happen, it would have happened, and so i'll just amuse myself with the red wine and the raindrops and tomorrow.

kicking birds

Riding your bike across the city is a great way to get exercise and show off your new sleeve tattoo and neck-beard to people who can afford cars.

-Anatomy of a Hipster #48.

the one you want

i drove back from santa cruz this morning and i didn't really think about anything. i sang some songs. i guess i thought about stopping to get coffee. i stopped to get gas, but didn't trust the coffee at the gas station. it didn't stand a chance next to the double espresso forest made me this morning or anything that comes from bernie's, philz sugarlump, four barrel, commie coffee, or for that matter, the fake soy lattes i make some mornings for me and molly. i had two cups at bernie's this afternoon, which is not a lot for me i suppose. i could have one right now. i am drinking too much, but i really don't care. if i did, i would stop. or cut back and drink water. the first morning i woke up at matthew's, i was a complete mess until i had coffee. i couldn't even lock my bike up. i used to set our coffee pot the night before so aliza and i could wake up to the smell of brewed goodness. i would put double the amount into the machine at work so it was strong and black, and while i was waiting, would drink whatever francisco had made before i got there. then more downstairs, while checking emails and laughing with maria. every once in awhile, i treat myself to a white mocha at starbucks because it is one of the most delicious things in the world. huge statement, i know. on tuesdays around 3pm, i go to piccino and order a blue bottle latte and flirt with the cute barista with clear glasses. i used to flirt with brian, but he only works in the morning and i found out he has a girlfriend. i told drew i was happy he lived so close to philz so that i could walk there in the morning, but i guess that doesn't matter anymore. what matters is that the ether coffee at philz is my new favorite. i guess this is why i'm supposed to live in seattle.

be on your guard

someone is setting off bottlerockets outside my house. reminds me of the time this summer i almost killed an entire family with a single bottle rocket. everything lit up bright and warm. bright and warm.

a funeral for the wrong corpse

today is one of those days where every minute is a tad bit more depressing than the one before, where the phone doesn't ring, where your pants are too tight in all the wrong places. i've come in from the cold only to be blasted by it once again. my house is cold. cold and gray no matter the fact that i sit in a colorfully striped bed with a hot pink sweatshirt on. the grayness is seeping. maybe i should be in panama city where the beach is one big ashtray and the girls have gone wild, over and over again. or maybe i should be in new york taking walks with girls and holding hands with boys; maybe just that one boy who likes to hold my hand. i like to hold his. or maybe i should be where i am, and just allow myself a second and a half of pure joy which means watching 10 episodes of the secret diary of a call girl while drinking philz coffee.

i had this person, who i thought, liked me in all the ways except for pure love. and i lusted after him and his brain and his heart. i made myself fall deeply for him and he told me there were two sides to me...the sweet innocent bright-eyed rachel that he wanted to wake up to and the sexy dark-eyed do whatever you want to me rachel he wanted to go to bed with. and maybe those are things about me that he loved, but he never loved me although i always thought i could change that. i suppose i am pretty naive in a sense about life. i mean, i just want to have brunch. i don't understand why that is so hard.

no interest in free love

i sit in bernie's...a local girls coffee shop. am i a local girl? has it come to that yet? i'm a girl in every definition of the word. what's my definition? i have girl parts, i constantly worry about how i look, and if boys think i'm cute. yep, that's pretty much it. so, i have the girl part, check. local, what does that mean? i am here at least 4 times a week, sitting mostly at the same table, typing on the same keyboard, listening to the same music. i live a few blocks away and i walk in the sun to get here, except when i have to walk in the rain. i love bernie's. i get unlimitted refills and smiles from the staff. i pet the blue-eyed dog named circuit, who lays in the doorway, in the sun. that dog knows what's up. i am officially a bernie's coffee fanatic, as facebook says. bernie loves facebook. she updates her status a lot. so do i. right now, it says 'rachel is if you don't give a damn, we don't give a fuck.' it says that for many reasons, one being i'm constantly listening to girl talk. so, am i a local? a loc as molly and carmen would say. another bernie's loc just walked in. he has a beard. i heard him say he lived in noe valley for 10 years, but just moved to the marina. he still comes to bernie's. i would too. there are samples of peanut butter cookies on the counter. daniel, the young barista, asked my name today. maybe he will want to be my facebook friend. the other loc is talking to bernie about facebook. about status updates. maybe i should change mine again. another song line? right now glen hansard sings 'lies lies lies' that's not a good one. rachel: when will you learn? that would good. they laugh about statuses. i cried in the shower this morning. i couldn't tell if there were tears or if it was just the running water. my body shook though. that was most definite. my coffee is cold and i most definitely will drink another cup. its spring break in 6 hours and i will be back at bernie's. listening to the weather report from the old men, letting bernie call me honey, petting circuit. i want to go dancing and shed this skin i'm in at the moment. i want to get one of those mineral scrubs, to get all the dead skin and dead feelings and emptyness off my body. the scrub in the shower this morning didn't work...it only made me cry. well, anyway, i am a local girl. a new loc. i'm ok with that.

annonymous face slap and run™

working definition: its basically when someone anonymously comes up and slaps you in the face on the street and runs away. you don't deserve it, it has nothing to do with you, but you still have to bear the mark of being slapped.

carmen can probably put it better, but that's the gist. and its that kind of day.

chairs in the sky

the last picture makes me think of the building of believe it or not...thanks martin kippenberger.

new york city is definitely very special, but san francisco right now has my heart.

artsandcrafts

where you and i shall unite

le sigh

the urban revolution

wolf bitten

karen: i demand you be in chicago for my bday. dance party!! there is a wolf bite in my heart without you.

matt: ive been wolfbitten by you

aliza: theres a wolf bite in my heart where your missing. i need you damnet!

dani: there's a wolfbite in your heart and you need to be in chicago for karen's birthday! we miss you!

joe: a wolf bit my heart. hard. and until u visit it will bleed and bleed

tyler: wolves? karen's birthday

sometimes it feels really good to know people think about you when you aren't around. especially when those people are my people.