within seconds

last sunday, i spent at a wedding for a very close friend of mine. i went to that wedding knowing that i would love every minute of it and that i would think: do i want this too? so i have been thinking and i have been wanting it too. at least i think i do. how do you really know? when does a girlfriend become a wife? when does a boyfriend become a husband? those distinctions seem so far apart. and why do we say girlfriend and boyfriend? am i a teenager with my first crush? and doesn't life partner just sound old and weird speaking about kids in their late 20s? maybe he should be my husband. maybe that is just what is appropriate now.

i found myself spending the week at work, thinking about weddings and husbands and knowing that i am on that path definitely. the questions come from all sides. when will this happen? you are not getting younger. you want to have babies right? sure, yes, of course. i want babies and i want a husband and i want security. but don't i have that already? not real babies, just a puppy that needs a lot of attention and i have security with nick. he loves me; i love him. we fight, we laugh, we share bills and a bed and our lives. so do i really need a party and a person to say you may kiss the bride and a piece of paper stating legality? i thought i didn't. i don't think i do.

but man, i really wouldn't mind a huge party with my friends and family and a beautiful dress and nick standing at the end of the aisle looking at me like there is nothing else that matters. but he does that already, so i have no cause to complain.