possibility and probability

it has been absolutely too long since i've written in this blog. i also barely read my emails that come through on gmail and i am pretty horrible at returning phone calls. avoidance. i don't really know why though. maybe now that i am 30 and am supposed to be a bit more grown up, i am reverting back to not wanting responsibility. not worrying about the future and the fiscal implications of marriage. not taking a stand against things i know to be bullshit and also just not talking about how i am feeling with my parents, friends, siblings, etc. i am using this post, as i have used many others in the past, as an arrow. an arrow that shoots right into the middle of a long list of tasks that i have been avoiding. that is about all i have to say about this topic right now. except for that i will resume posting here on a regular basis.

30 years young

in a few days and all i can do to get through the horribleness of today is think about two-stepping later and my beautiful bearded man and all of the people that i love. work absolutely sucks today. so does at&t uverse internet set up.

before the law

things i love are letterpress invites and robert rauschenberg and tea any time of day.
things i love are nick's beard and nick's new sense of style wearing cardigans.
things i love are a night full of fires and friends who constantly are laughing.
things i love are love and amy's dogs in their sweaters and my dog's insane knowledge.
things i love are walking in chicago on a fall day crunching leaves and smoking cigarettes outside.
things i love are tiny love bites from nick and waking up in my bed with my dog under my arm.
things i love are amazing artists that are sweet and excited about life, that make rad paintings.
things i love are new york city bagels and going to museums and walking forever and brooklyn.
things i love is my art collection that is scattered and amazing, with large and small pieces.
things i love are california and the smell of sunshine and delicious wine on a porch.

i guess there is a super long list that keeps getting longer. i guess there is nothing wrong with that.

jupiter is a sun that failed

indian summer

for what its worth, the first half of my 29th year has been a fantastic voyage. as i sit here and look at the collections of cards pinned into my wall, i honestly couldn't ask for a better situation. i am one and the other. i am here and now. i am east and west. austin has been so good to me. i intend to be even better to it back. so, let's step forth for the second half of my 29th year and jump right in. you are ready, so i will be too.

unfocus

my days have been spent at a desk and my nights have been spent in the company of glorious women and men. new friends for a old summer. last night there was a pizza party complete with 6 dogs and flowing rose. before that there were micheladas and cheese plates and american spirits at the san jose. there have been swimming hole adventures and barbeque and lots more wine and music and poker nights and delicious conversations full of good smells. i try to understand how i got so lucky, but really, it doesn't matter. a new family for austin. i am in love with it.

however, i am also in love with the fact that i will see almost all of my favorite people in new york city next week. i'm coming for you all. full of sunshine.

forever

Tracey Emin, "Running Naked," 2000.
Courtesy the artist.

you and the sun

remember the first time you realized who you were? before you were french press coffee and slip on men's shoes and art talk and more art talk and old crow medicine show on repeat. remember when you hunted for geo-trackers on bikes and ate at dunlays every night and smoked rolled cigarettes and drank arnold palmers? that was after you realized who you were. it was before the french press though. it was before california. remember yourself before california? remember yourself before chicago? remember yourself packing for college? heavy winter sweaters and boot cut jeans and picture albums and books that made you look arty. remember your mother crying at the airport and you crying in the airplane? that was before you knew who you were. that was when you thought the black and white photographs you made were the most amazing things ever and the volvo you drove constantly had guster and weezer playing and you drank illicit 40s on your back porch and watched english television in brianne's basement. that was when you were just starting out.

within seconds

last sunday, i spent at a wedding for a very close friend of mine. i went to that wedding knowing that i would love every minute of it and that i would think: do i want this too? so i have been thinking and i have been wanting it too. at least i think i do. how do you really know? when does a girlfriend become a wife? when does a boyfriend become a husband? those distinctions seem so far apart. and why do we say girlfriend and boyfriend? am i a teenager with my first crush? and doesn't life partner just sound old and weird speaking about kids in their late 20s? maybe he should be my husband. maybe that is just what is appropriate now.

i found myself spending the week at work, thinking about weddings and husbands and knowing that i am on that path definitely. the questions come from all sides. when will this happen? you are not getting younger. you want to have babies right? sure, yes, of course. i want babies and i want a husband and i want security. but don't i have that already? not real babies, just a puppy that needs a lot of attention and i have security with nick. he loves me; i love him. we fight, we laugh, we share bills and a bed and our lives. so do i really need a party and a person to say you may kiss the bride and a piece of paper stating legality? i thought i didn't. i don't think i do.

but man, i really wouldn't mind a huge party with my friends and family and a beautiful dress and nick standing at the end of the aisle looking at me like there is nothing else that matters. but he does that already, so i have no cause to complain.

off site

today i learned how to master the arthouse website a little bit more. although slightly gratifying, i would rather spend my time looking at videos of artists i want to show and contemplating my first exhibition i'll put on at arthouse this summer. i just for the first time was introduced to these dutch twins who are anorexic and act as one person. i think it is ok that is creeps me out.

i plan to read faust this summer.

i recently traveled to boston to groton back to boston back to austin for my ten year high school reunion. we looked at each other, all of us, in a tent, outside of a tent, in a hotel, in our cars, and we saw what made each of us glorious individuals. at least i did. honestly, my life without groton would seem a bizarre undertaking that i want nothing to do with. however strong and motivated i may be, i credit a bit to my parents, and most of it to my people at groton. it felt slightly strange to be back but also perfectly wonderful and i would not trade anything for that one day one night and that cheeseburger club this past weekend.

i plan to read a lot this summer.