you were hotter to me than the sun

the pain in my back came back yesterday. i noticed it, sitting on a bench in the half-sun at zeitgeist. i noticed it more as i trudged up a hill, heading towards my house. i took a pill which did nothing and i slept uncomfortably, wishing for a heat pad, wishing for no pain at all. it remains still as i type this and stretching has not helped. nor the hot shower. i am not going to wear a bra today as i cannot be bothered to put one on. i cannot be bothered to do much right now except get a coffee which i am fairly motivated to do. coffee might not alleviate my pain but it might shoot me back into the world. right now, things are soft and unfocused and sad. my sadness has lasted a few days and once the sadness starts in, i am forever kicking myself to get out of it but instead watching tv on the internet. i hate the sadness and the pain. it reminds me of other times that i've long tried to forget. alas, i will get that coffee and start my day and look forward to becoming in focus.