we can all be free

i just watched the rest of beautiful losers on netflix. i am not in love with them, the beautiful losers. but i appreciate them and their perseverance. their motivation. their persistence. i am not these things right now. i've spent five days hiding from my responsibilities. instead, i eat bagels with cream cheese and tater tots with ketchup. i smoke cigarettes and drink new beers. i look at lights and sit in movie houses. i laugh. of course, these are all good things too. for sure, no doubt. but i slack and i feel heavy and gross. i feel full of all of these things. and it just continues, this overindulgence on food and laughter and love and cigarettes. i want to overindulge on work instead, but there seems no time for it. its 8:55 and i want to sleep because tomorrow i will take the train to nyc and eat lunch at elephant and castle and shop a little and come back to a naked tree in need to decorating. i will eat dinner with my family and smoke cigarettes with my sister and play mario kart. i will not go to church. i will avoid my responsibilities of grad school and my future and reading goethe and instead eat bacon and drink eggnog and coffee and play video games. when will i return to normal? my father repeats himself 35 times a day and i wish i could sit in a coffee shop and use my brain. i wish coming here didn't make me slow and lethargic because then i might be more inclined to move here and live. instead, i still long for berlin. and the future that awaits me there.