The place that you rip open again and again that heals

downtown detroit/wood that resembles downtown detroit.

all my friends are funeral singers

i'm finally back at bernies after weeks of absence.
i hate weeks of absence.

last night was tough and all i could ask for was answered when molly let me cry on her shoulder and nick arrived soaking wet at my door with beer and kisses.

i miss everyone i love all the time. i need to keep in better touch with people.

nine high school girls all wearing a shade of purple just walked into bernies and its kind of amazing. they all have different patterned jansport backpacks.

the sun is in and out and i am in and out and everything seems a little better when listening to conor oberst on repeat.

apart, we are together

well, call me if you want to talk. i'm here.

two suns

young and spry

i picked a bag full of lemons in the rain this morning. they are now sitting on my kitchen counter, hopefully to be used for some lemonade and some zest.

yesterday, i went on two short hikes in marin. i sometimes forget how beautiful the north bay can be. at times, when we climbed over rocks and saw the rolling hills, i felt like i was in scotland.

on friday, i took a ferry to tiburon with nick, where we ate pistachios and drank laguinitas. we had dinner with his aunt and uncle and their friends and we talked about our future. the usual topic of discussion. i think its getting easier and harder at the same time. at least, i am getting excited about the next step.

time to work hard and enjoy the next few months. time to eat whole avocados and drink beers in the sunshine. time to go hike for hours to natural hot springs and hug redwood trees. time to not plan and just do. at least for awhile.

to build a house you start with the roof

in less than a month, i'll be in amsterdam for an interview and i'll wear my interview suit and bum around the city for a few days. hopefully, i can rent a bike because it won't be too rainy and see the city that way. see if its a place i could spend more than 4 days in. see if its my future.

more than anything, i am just sick of all this talk about my future. i'm frustrated and really scared and i just want some clarity about it. about a lot of things. i am floundering and anxious. i went to bed at 4am last night and am awake before 9am. at least there are puppies here. and my best friend, although i cried in his bed yesterday morning and couldn't tell him why.

i had dinner with three of the strongest and most beautiful women i know last night and i settled down a bit. but sooner than later, the conversation just turned to transition and where we were all going and it seems that no one really knows anything anymore.

i do know that amsterdam would be an amazing opportunity and that may lead to others and maybe then my roof will materialize. but as of now, i can't sit still.

the duchess

this is what happens when your best friend is a brilliant and well known artist. you are immortalized in print, wearing clothes you wish you actually owned. order the age of innocence here: the folio society