to build a house you start with the roof

in less than a month, i'll be in amsterdam for an interview and i'll wear my interview suit and bum around the city for a few days. hopefully, i can rent a bike because it won't be too rainy and see the city that way. see if its a place i could spend more than 4 days in. see if its my future.

more than anything, i am just sick of all this talk about my future. i'm frustrated and really scared and i just want some clarity about it. about a lot of things. i am floundering and anxious. i went to bed at 4am last night and am awake before 9am. at least there are puppies here. and my best friend, although i cried in his bed yesterday morning and couldn't tell him why.

i had dinner with three of the strongest and most beautiful women i know last night and i settled down a bit. but sooner than later, the conversation just turned to transition and where we were all going and it seems that no one really knows anything anymore.

i do know that amsterdam would be an amazing opportunity and that may lead to others and maybe then my roof will materialize. but as of now, i can't sit still.