un an

when i reach to scratch nick's back in the middle of the night due to his habit of teeth grinding, i never think of it as a burden. i rarely think about it really because i am mostly asleep, but when we wake up and i tell him, he always has this worried look on his face. he thinks he is disrupting my sleep. i think of it quite the opposite. i like that i can reach and touch him in the middle of the night. i like that he is there, no matter the fact that we rarely sleep intertwined like some people. we sleep rather individually on specific sides, but we can reach and touch and that is the difference. before nick, i rarely could ever reach and touch someone. in fact, i never really knew how to sleep with another person, except for mathew. my entire time in amsterdam, i was reaching for nick and not realizing it. i'd wake up in the morning with my arm on his side of the bed, possibly scratching his invisible back while he invisibly ground his teeth. i think of nights apart, even when we are both in san francisco and i am saddened that we cannot be together. i have grown accustomed to his warmth and his heart and his crinkly eyes when he smiles. it is quite wonderful to have a man that loves you.