everything is everything

in the house i grew up in, we had a library where we watched tv instead of reading. the shelves were lined with books, but the chairs were worn by the amount of time we spent in there watching movies and music videos and television shows. there were paintings of hunting scenes and my dad's chair that he always smoked in every night after work. the library opened into what we called both the den and dad's office. it was basically another sunroom, like the one on the opposite side of the house. its where the music was. my dad's record collection and his CD collection piled up in the cabinets of the library and i spent hours in the den, dancing around to michael jackson, bruce springsteen, and my favorite at the time, whitney houston. it was the first CD my father bought and I played track 1 over and over again. i danced and did handstands and sang along. i used to run and do flips over the couch and imagine massive heartbreaks and reconciliations in that room. i had my first kiss in the powder room during my 5th grade birthday party, which was of course a dance party where my brother had agreed to DJ. so, here is to being in elementary school and learning how fun it is to be by yourself with a good tune.

satisfaction

let's just say, being employed by such an awesome place deserves an even bigger freak out. xoxo, carrie ruby.

when the night is gone

maybe i am supposed to revel in being alone. i have danced to some loud fast and out of control in my undies. i have drank all the wine without sharing. i have eaten every meal in my bed and watched every show i've wanted to see. but i suppose the worst thing about being alone is thinking of the ones you love who are out and about and likely not thinking about you. still, it never makes you love them less. at least i have totoro.

double rainbow

things on my desk include the american heritage dictionary, st.ives lotion, an octopus karen crocheted for me, tupperware, a letter from sofia and a random splattering of office supplies. i really feel i need to spice things up, but i suppose i will have to wait until we move to our new offices, which will be grand and fresh and not in the middle of nowhere.

things in my new house, when i move in on saturday will include lots of clothes and shoes, a succulent not yet named, totoro, a broken cody hudson mug, and a 1950s formica kitchen table. i will eagerly await nick's arrival with our bed, my books, our plants, and the other things that make you realize your life is quite amazing, like pictures that only exist in hard copy and friendly handwritten notes from long ago, my shewok sweatshirt and my small yet vital art collection. in my head, this house is already full of memories before i even spend my first night, so i suppose it already feels like home even though i am not there yet. i am looking forward to going home then, very much so.

no place and every place

Petrit Halilaj, The places I’m looking for, my dear, are utopian places, they are boring and I don’t know how to make them real, 2010
Installation view, 6th Berlin Biennale for Contemporary Art

let's run to the coast

i have a potential new friend who is (gasp) not involved in the arts but in law school and i just peeped her blog (because she peeped mine) and i found this. it is so true, that tonight when i meet her, the first thing she'll get from me is a hug, whether she likes it or not because honestly, the only ones i've had since nick left are from my mom and i hugged erin at her bday party the other day.

From here:
When I moved here and didn't know anyone I told Robby that I was surprised what I missed most was being touched. I didn't just mean by him so I'll elaborate. When you're in a city full of strangers there aren't hugs, there are just handshakes or maybe a brushing of shoulders. But when you're surrounded by friends there are hugs, arms around each other's shoulders, guiding hands on each other's backs. This is a primordial comfort that I had never thought of until I was alone for the first time in my life.

ditto

terrence koh

a highlight

je voudrais vous voir

my shoes are piled up next to the black bookshelf in my room. there are my light brown leather men's shoes that i love, but the laces get untied quickly. there are the brown boots that can be short or tall depending on my mood. usually i am in a short boot mood. there are my white slip on loafers that i bought when i still worked at the arts club, but that make my feet sweat sometimes. then there are the black rite aid slip ons that i can't wear in austin because my feet smell in them. its a fact. there are the pink and purple nikes that i love more than most things in my waredrobe and that i bought down on 6th avenue with carrie and that i look for every time i am back in nyc. i never find them and it makes me sad and happy because those shoes define me. they are me. comfy and loud and girly and worn. in those shoes, i never have to think because they will take me to the ends of the earth. i wore them every day i was in amsterdam. i wore them weekly in SF during my tenure there, and they were always spoken of highly when taken out of my closet in chicago. i haven't attempted to wear them in austin, but i know they will be a hit, a conversation at least, and i will feel like myself when i wear them again. my united states crossing, punky brewster/rainbow bright personality that is outgoing and smart and comfortable and focused. those shoes do not define me, but i define them, and it makes me feel less lonely knowing they are just waiting at the end of the bed. what can i say...i am a purple and pink kind of girl.

in and out

it has been raining here all week. i welcome it and also hate it at the same time. it makes me nervous to drive, after the flash flooding on tuesday. it makes me realize that i always forget my umbrella. it makes me stay inside even more than if it were sunny and i could at least drag myself to the pool to swim laps and interact with the world beyond work.

i am going to attempt that interaction tonight, and go out with kevin parks hauser, possibly. i say possibly because i may be very tempted to stay in like i have been doing and watch season 2 of friday night lights and look for apartments online and talk to nick on the phone. i would get to drive my new car, which is a reason to go out. so are p.terry's fries late at night after drinking a few beers. i suppose going out would be the honorable thing to do. and then yoga in the morning tomorrow.

i like the slight reinvention i am putting myself through in terms of exercising. i absolutely love and hate bikram, which possibly is why i have been doing it so much. that, and i am alone in a new city that is welcoming but also not yet homey to me so i stay on the periphery. i do that during yoga too, where i park my mat in the back corners and try not to be noticed. so far i think it is working. and maybe it just takes time and i think that is ok. because spotlights are not always necessary and alone time is regarded highly by me right now, and i probably will continue these thoughts until i am in my own house filled with my own things and the boy i love and the dog we'll share.

full hearts.

it's music video week on sets of paragraphs.