indian summer

for what its worth, the first half of my 29th year has been a fantastic voyage. as i sit here and look at the collections of cards pinned into my wall, i honestly couldn't ask for a better situation. i am one and the other. i am here and now. i am east and west. austin has been so good to me. i intend to be even better to it back. so, let's step forth for the second half of my 29th year and jump right in. you are ready, so i will be too.

unfocus

my days have been spent at a desk and my nights have been spent in the company of glorious women and men. new friends for a old summer. last night there was a pizza party complete with 6 dogs and flowing rose. before that there were micheladas and cheese plates and american spirits at the san jose. there have been swimming hole adventures and barbeque and lots more wine and music and poker nights and delicious conversations full of good smells. i try to understand how i got so lucky, but really, it doesn't matter. a new family for austin. i am in love with it.

however, i am also in love with the fact that i will see almost all of my favorite people in new york city next week. i'm coming for you all. full of sunshine.

forever

Tracey Emin, "Running Naked," 2000.
Courtesy the artist.

you and the sun

remember the first time you realized who you were? before you were french press coffee and slip on men's shoes and art talk and more art talk and old crow medicine show on repeat. remember when you hunted for geo-trackers on bikes and ate at dunlays every night and smoked rolled cigarettes and drank arnold palmers? that was after you realized who you were. it was before the french press though. it was before california. remember yourself before california? remember yourself before chicago? remember yourself packing for college? heavy winter sweaters and boot cut jeans and picture albums and books that made you look arty. remember your mother crying at the airport and you crying in the airplane? that was before you knew who you were. that was when you thought the black and white photographs you made were the most amazing things ever and the volvo you drove constantly had guster and weezer playing and you drank illicit 40s on your back porch and watched english television in brianne's basement. that was when you were just starting out.

within seconds

last sunday, i spent at a wedding for a very close friend of mine. i went to that wedding knowing that i would love every minute of it and that i would think: do i want this too? so i have been thinking and i have been wanting it too. at least i think i do. how do you really know? when does a girlfriend become a wife? when does a boyfriend become a husband? those distinctions seem so far apart. and why do we say girlfriend and boyfriend? am i a teenager with my first crush? and doesn't life partner just sound old and weird speaking about kids in their late 20s? maybe he should be my husband. maybe that is just what is appropriate now.

i found myself spending the week at work, thinking about weddings and husbands and knowing that i am on that path definitely. the questions come from all sides. when will this happen? you are not getting younger. you want to have babies right? sure, yes, of course. i want babies and i want a husband and i want security. but don't i have that already? not real babies, just a puppy that needs a lot of attention and i have security with nick. he loves me; i love him. we fight, we laugh, we share bills and a bed and our lives. so do i really need a party and a person to say you may kiss the bride and a piece of paper stating legality? i thought i didn't. i don't think i do.

but man, i really wouldn't mind a huge party with my friends and family and a beautiful dress and nick standing at the end of the aisle looking at me like there is nothing else that matters. but he does that already, so i have no cause to complain.

off site

today i learned how to master the arthouse website a little bit more. although slightly gratifying, i would rather spend my time looking at videos of artists i want to show and contemplating my first exhibition i'll put on at arthouse this summer. i just for the first time was introduced to these dutch twins who are anorexic and act as one person. i think it is ok that is creeps me out.

i plan to read faust this summer.

i recently traveled to boston to groton back to boston back to austin for my ten year high school reunion. we looked at each other, all of us, in a tent, outside of a tent, in a hotel, in our cars, and we saw what made each of us glorious individuals. at least i did. honestly, my life without groton would seem a bizarre undertaking that i want nothing to do with. however strong and motivated i may be, i credit a bit to my parents, and most of it to my people at groton. it felt slightly strange to be back but also perfectly wonderful and i would not trade anything for that one day one night and that cheeseburger club this past weekend.

i plan to read a lot this summer.

we want to feel you

nina fischer and maroan el sani

Hervé Laurent

cloudmakers

i feel broken down.

everlasting light

love this apartment. love this song.

fortify

since i've been feeling a bit lazy lately, i've decided to write at least one blogpost a month about an artist who's work is hitting me hard. however, i will start tomorrow. today, i am reading rem koolhaas' essay junkspace and then i have to fiddle with some technology as well as start a proposal for the CCA in montreal's young curator's program. then i have a birthday party to attend.

cornerstone

a few months ago, i finally framed some of the work in my collection and hung it on the wall in the living room. today i hate it. it feels awkward. it is trying too hard. in fact, the whole room just feels off to me lately. i kind of hate sitting in it. maybe if all the walls were wood-paneled, i would like it better. maybe if the couch hadn't been eaten by the dog, and the floor didn't constantly need to be mopped, i'd like it better. things just don't feel right in here and i need a change. but i don't know how else it should be organized. the frames definitely need to come down. the couch definitely needs to be reupholstered or slipcovered or whatever people with little money do. the floors need to be washed a few times, and the tables need to be pledged. i guess that would be a start. but maybe it should just be a new room in another house. that would probably help a lot.

hi-to-ko-ro

my good friend mai is from japan and she is asking for help for this project. she is an amazing individual who spreads joy to everyone she encounters. if you follow this blog, please do this for mai.

Dear Friends,
Firstly, I would like to thank you for all of your kind words concerning me, my family, friends, and the current situation in Japan and now I believe that the messages must be extended to the people who are affected by the recent disaster in the northeastern Japan. I have spent days thinking what I can do for those people and feel a little powerless because the situation there cannot afford any random support possibly disorderly coming from everywhere. Professionals in required fields have been hard working to provide necessary support to the people and contain the radiation leaks at the nuclear plant damaged by the disaster. The immediate and best support we can remotely provide to those people seems to be donations, especially the monetary support. However, throughout the long way to their recovery from the current tragic conditions a mental support has been and will remain to be crucial. After I moved back to Japan on January 1, 2011, I began a series of projects called hi-to-ko-ro, the word I created by combining three Japanese words: hito(people), tokoro(place), and kokoro(heart), for a purpose of creating the space where people and their hearts meet. Now I decided to become a point of communication and would like to ask you to send me your message for those suffering in Japan. The collected messages will be delivered to their hands as our collective hopes for their bright future once the situation will become more settled. You can email me your message to mai.luvs.berries@gmail.com or mail it to Mai Ryuno @#205 3-4-5 Shinonome, Hakata, Fukuoka, Japan 812-0871. Please feel free to contact me if there are any questions.

With my highest gratitude for your support
Love for all
Mai Ryuno

which is to say perfect

Carmen: hmmm well the future

oh the future

its golden
me: too true

foggy but golden at the same time

memorize all the names of the people living in this world

the front of koki tanaka's business card pinned to my wall at work.

i follow ghosts

when you turn 29, do you come to your senses? i have to hope, because i've been feeling rickety lately. like i've been living in my head too much, thinking too much of things that don't really exist. perhaps i just need a slap in the face. matthew would agree with that i am sure.

i don't really know if today is better than yesterday or if yesterday when i cried in my car was better than today. at least i felt something hard. my chest exploding. other feelings lately have just been of frustration and tiredness and loneliness. and that seems so easy. easy to feel and easy to remedy. i try hard to work for this faceless future, but really i am just moving forward without trying. without learning. so, this is a reevaluation post. a present post. an hour at a time post. and perhaps those ghosts i've been following will start to follow me.

and a swelling rage

rigo 23

jigsaw

my horoscope today. majorly on point. as usual. i am happy my lady does not abide by the new zodiac signs. i am an aries. no doubt about that.

Pay very careful attention to the parts of you that start to yearn for the past, or to the people from your past that show up now, or to your awakened awareness of how things have shifted from the way they were. With so many planets in your house of hidden agendas, you’d do well to realize you’re right in the middle of the infinite field of potential that is your own unconscious mind. Dream your dream and know that anything you truly desire is possible. The planets are approaching your sign one by one over the weeks ahead, and any new beginning you envision is actually being created as you think it up. Know that there is nothing standing in between you and your highest wish, except what you say there is.

Work to break down any walls that are delaying your success.

public movement

my sister in law is pregnant with her first child.

my junior year roommate is pregnant with her first child.

my boyfriend's sister is pregnant with her second child.

my half cousin is pregnant with her first child.

my grad school roommate's sister is pregnant with her first child.

all of this points me in the direction of childhood and motherhood and knowing that i want that someday. of power couples and loving couples and houses with wood floors and jars of lentils. i still am longing for white beds, white walls, white bookcases, and white bathrooms. i am still longing for everything. i do not regret the present, i consider the past, but i long for the future. perhaps more than i have before.

the jester king

on my walk with my speckled hen of a dog this morning it smelled like rain. everything is light gray in the sky and the colors of cars pop out at you and my oreo dog looks blue. he tried to chase the birds that sound like they are hiccuping as they sit on the telephone poles. he taunts the other dogs behind fences, and played with another speckled dog who was brown and white. his name was oz.

sometimes i feel like my life revolves around this dog. but i guess his life revolves around me. so i a way, we are the same. i am reading this book by jose saramago and its about death. at the point i am, she has for the first time, had a dog sit on her lap and realized how wonderful it felt to be in that situation. this death is only the death of humans, not other living things, and she feels sad for the dog, as she knows it will die one day and so will its owner.

sunday commences. breakfast time.

sanctuary

neptune is calling

january 5th. 5 days into 2011. quite naturally, everyone i am sure is still holding steadfastly onto their resolutions. it takes more than 5 days to admit you are a quitter. for me, i have started half my resolution- the one to read more, and am about halfway through death with interruptions by jose saramago. i absolutely have loved all the books i have read by him, so i am continuing on. and it was a gift. next on the list is the crucible, and then heart of darkness. after those, i will read deconstructing the kimbell an architect's account of louis kahnl, who as you all might know, is number 2 on my list of favorite architects. after that, brecht's galileo. afterwards, there will be more greek tragedies and faust. faust will be in february i believe. i hope by this one book a week, i am not setting myself up for failure, but rather for quite an education. kind of the best thing ever.

the other half of my resolution is to go to yoga 5 times a week. i am starting tonight. or restarting, as the holidays killed my yoganess.