i follow ghosts

when you turn 29, do you come to your senses? i have to hope, because i've been feeling rickety lately. like i've been living in my head too much, thinking too much of things that don't really exist. perhaps i just need a slap in the face. matthew would agree with that i am sure.

i don't really know if today is better than yesterday or if yesterday when i cried in my car was better than today. at least i felt something hard. my chest exploding. other feelings lately have just been of frustration and tiredness and loneliness. and that seems so easy. easy to feel and easy to remedy. i try hard to work for this faceless future, but really i am just moving forward without trying. without learning. so, this is a reevaluation post. a present post. an hour at a time post. and perhaps those ghosts i've been following will start to follow me.

and a swelling rage

rigo 23

jigsaw

my horoscope today. majorly on point. as usual. i am happy my lady does not abide by the new zodiac signs. i am an aries. no doubt about that.

Pay very careful attention to the parts of you that start to yearn for the past, or to the people from your past that show up now, or to your awakened awareness of how things have shifted from the way they were. With so many planets in your house of hidden agendas, you’d do well to realize you’re right in the middle of the infinite field of potential that is your own unconscious mind. Dream your dream and know that anything you truly desire is possible. The planets are approaching your sign one by one over the weeks ahead, and any new beginning you envision is actually being created as you think it up. Know that there is nothing standing in between you and your highest wish, except what you say there is.

Work to break down any walls that are delaying your success.

public movement

my sister in law is pregnant with her first child.

my junior year roommate is pregnant with her first child.

my boyfriend's sister is pregnant with her second child.

my half cousin is pregnant with her first child.

my grad school roommate's sister is pregnant with her first child.

all of this points me in the direction of childhood and motherhood and knowing that i want that someday. of power couples and loving couples and houses with wood floors and jars of lentils. i still am longing for white beds, white walls, white bookcases, and white bathrooms. i am still longing for everything. i do not regret the present, i consider the past, but i long for the future. perhaps more than i have before.