the cave

i know the holidays are about family and overindulgence and arguing and snow. but i am seriously dying for a day in a coffee shop with my computer and my latte and gchat that sidetracks me from what i want to work on. all in all, i am longing for a perfect grad school day. wake up, oatmeal, trek to the coffee place, computer on table, coffee on table, books on table, internet procrastination, amazing thoughts appearing from said procrastination, more coffee, more internet, possible lunch break with a streaming episode of some cheesy show, and more work. somehow that is complete perfectness and this snow storm is really starting to get on my nerves.

the adams family tradition

best ever

these are my dreams

glass houses, white sheets, fig and olive oil candles, puppies that always stay puppies, two-toned vintage trucks, big glasses and perfectly short hair, overly stamped passports, cascadian dark ales with brussel sprouts and sweet potatoes, collages in white frames, car singing, heels and dance parties, snow, cigarettes and sister time, the commune any day of the year, the coast, the ocean, jade coves, unlimited ripe avocados and sea salt, walls of books with time and no internet, nighttime train rides through mountains and cities, bikes and tree lined streets, autumn weather for breakfast, sunshine, the redwoods, the first time i saw the redwoods, the black forest, maltese food and family, every color of sharpie, sonoma wineries, and kidney bean swimming pools.

one mountain

esteban schimpf

turkey a go go

thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. it probably has a lot to do with the food, but there is something else that just makes it the best day in my book. we went to martha's vineyard for a few years. something about the cold ocean smells and the grey days just made everything absolutely wonderful and cozy. there was the year in chicago, where josh and i cooked a turkey we named stella for mostly a vegetarian crowd. it was my first attempt at fried cauliflower also. the vegetarians loved the cauliflower. my mother still makes it better than i do though. she is the master and i only the apprentice. i remember spending a thanksgiving in florida with my aunt and uncle, and that was slightly disastrous and the stuffing was frankly gross. fourth form thanksgiving was spent at the ole miss mississippi state football game- we ate beforehand and bounced on a trampoline- full of green beans and cornbread stuffing. my last two thanksgivings were spent in santa cruz, where time stands still a bit, and the smell of the ocean just reaches you in the morning. where friends really do become family and where having at least 10 pies is not extravagant but necessary. i am missing my santa cruz family, my california family today. because being in california meant not only time with molly and her family, but with my brother and sister and nick's aunt and uncle.

today would have been the day to arrive, to drink some wine and cuddle up by the outdoor fire. nick and i are sad to miss the friends and the feasts. but we have our own 15 pound turkey that is brining as i type and new friends to share our modest feast with this year. it is sort of my first offical grown up thanksgiving. but next year, i believe it will be back to the commune we go. its just too hard to stay away.

all we ever wanted was everything

tonight, i think we are going to play pool with our friend drew.
tomorrow night, i am shopping for my thanksgiving party. or going to uchiko. i haven't decided yet.
wednesday night, i want to go to the gingerman and have some beers because we haven't been yet.
wednesday morning, i want to go to boggy creek farms, to find other delicious things to eat.
thursday is thanksgiving and i am cooking.
friday will be movie day- harry potter again.
saturday, brunch and walter cronkite at the lbj library.
sunday i will gear up for monday. football will be involved. and other things too i am sure.

sigh no more

sayre gomez

set you free

my new obsession. kind of feeling like i need it everyday all the time.

she couldn't rock and roll with me and i couldn't avant-garde with her.

the image from whence the title of this blog post came, via vork.
it's quite possibly on of my most favorite titles i have come across lately, and as i am thinking about titles for things, it will hopefully continue to inspire me. i think i have a great one for my summer exhibition, but it will have to wait to be unveiled to the world.

home is something i carry with me

i am simultaneously working on a few different exhibitions in my head and it is amazing. i feel great and my heart is soaring, no joke. artists making work that i just want to swallow up hole! seriously, so stoked on life right now.

fortunate son

facundo arganaraz

simultaneously

ben aqua

moths and flames

in the past few months, as i have made the transition from student to professional, i have forgotten how to slow down. and its not that i am whizzing through life. its the fact that i am forgetting to double check things or triple check for that matter, forgetting that i do not have to instantly respond to every inquiry or request, forgetting that i cannot do everything at one time no matter how many people i've told about my multitasking abilities. so, starting tomorrow or even right now, i am going to breath before i respond to an email. i am going to think a little harder about what i want to say and what i need to say before i actually say it. of course, the ability to multitask is almost inherent within myself, but i need to take a small step backward before i jump forward. as lame and cheesy as it sounds.

a poem for me.

from molly. amazing.

invisible truths

my eyes are open. my heart is open. and i am ready to kick some ass.

the march goes on.

there is a way i feel about bacon and saturday mornings and scrabble and cigarettes that is unlike anything else in the world. and sure, they are random, but right now, they are indescribably amazing. possibly because i just had some bacon and that it is saturday morning and that i am glancing at my scrabble board sitting on my cocktail tray or that last night i had inexplicably more cigarettes than i should have, but cherished each one until i dragged my butt home to see my extremely happy and tired puppy. now he is under the couch after a morning of playtime and i am wondering what comes next. cleaning. napping. organizing. birthdaying. whatever comes after that. it all shall come and go and really, i could just sit in this chair all day, curled up and listening to my dog snore. that is possibly the next step, although i have watched everything good on hulu already.

also, this.

always.

let's watch phenomenas arise out of the darkness

i am yearning for wide open spaces, so i can take pictures of the sky and the desert. i am yearning for the desert in a way that people yearn for an oasis in the desert and i absolutely must get there soon. i want the cold and the hot. the cool night breezes and the thunderous daily sunshine. i want cacti and lizards and all sorts of desert-y things. mostly, i want the sky above me and nothing else in sight, except maybe my dog running after a lizard. i also yearn for the city. for the beeping of cabs and the endless possibilities and the friends that are scattered across different metropolises. the round the corner bar and the smell of stale hot dogs and the absolute feeling of being one in a million.

texas is a strange place and austin is a mecca to many who grew up in small towns here wanting to get to the big city. by big city, i mean a few blocks downtown with some tiny tall buildings and a transit system that should be bulldozed out of sight. my neighbor went to new york city once. he said he felt like he was in a movie. it was pretty darn cute, i'll tell you that. and maybe because austin is stuck somewhere between huge college town and small city that i can appreciate it and what i can do here. but it is also an in between place. neither open land nor anciently large city, it situates itself as weird and green and big and small. i like it here. i like the possibilities and the neighbors and the little cul de sacs in my neighborhood. i love my job and my family here. i am excited though, for the desert in november and the city in december. because my roots and my future and everything in between is everywhere all at once and right now its here. and i am glad for the strangeness.

let us think of these things always. let us speak of them never.

only say never

my favorite miro painting. from the arts club collection. i used to look at it everyday.

post script

huge fan.

ceci est pour vous

summertime loving.
hector arce-espasas

rightside up

Arcoiris Invertido
2010, pintura, planchas de madera
Stefan Benchoam en colaboración con Radamés “Juni” Figueroa y Chemi Rosado

i want to celebrate you here

i just imagine an amazing video for this song, but it doesn't exist. and i am just listening to it on repeat all day.

ghosts are everywhere

sam ash

everything is everything

in the house i grew up in, we had a library where we watched tv instead of reading. the shelves were lined with books, but the chairs were worn by the amount of time we spent in there watching movies and music videos and television shows. there were paintings of hunting scenes and my dad's chair that he always smoked in every night after work. the library opened into what we called both the den and dad's office. it was basically another sunroom, like the one on the opposite side of the house. its where the music was. my dad's record collection and his CD collection piled up in the cabinets of the library and i spent hours in the den, dancing around to michael jackson, bruce springsteen, and my favorite at the time, whitney houston. it was the first CD my father bought and I played track 1 over and over again. i danced and did handstands and sang along. i used to run and do flips over the couch and imagine massive heartbreaks and reconciliations in that room. i had my first kiss in the powder room during my 5th grade birthday party, which was of course a dance party where my brother had agreed to DJ. so, here is to being in elementary school and learning how fun it is to be by yourself with a good tune.

satisfaction

let's just say, being employed by such an awesome place deserves an even bigger freak out. xoxo, carrie ruby.

when the night is gone

maybe i am supposed to revel in being alone. i have danced to some loud fast and out of control in my undies. i have drank all the wine without sharing. i have eaten every meal in my bed and watched every show i've wanted to see. but i suppose the worst thing about being alone is thinking of the ones you love who are out and about and likely not thinking about you. still, it never makes you love them less. at least i have totoro.

double rainbow

things on my desk include the american heritage dictionary, st.ives lotion, an octopus karen crocheted for me, tupperware, a letter from sofia and a random splattering of office supplies. i really feel i need to spice things up, but i suppose i will have to wait until we move to our new offices, which will be grand and fresh and not in the middle of nowhere.

things in my new house, when i move in on saturday will include lots of clothes and shoes, a succulent not yet named, totoro, a broken cody hudson mug, and a 1950s formica kitchen table. i will eagerly await nick's arrival with our bed, my books, our plants, and the other things that make you realize your life is quite amazing, like pictures that only exist in hard copy and friendly handwritten notes from long ago, my shewok sweatshirt and my small yet vital art collection. in my head, this house is already full of memories before i even spend my first night, so i suppose it already feels like home even though i am not there yet. i am looking forward to going home then, very much so.

no place and every place

Petrit Halilaj, The places I’m looking for, my dear, are utopian places, they are boring and I don’t know how to make them real, 2010
Installation view, 6th Berlin Biennale for Contemporary Art

let's run to the coast

i have a potential new friend who is (gasp) not involved in the arts but in law school and i just peeped her blog (because she peeped mine) and i found this. it is so true, that tonight when i meet her, the first thing she'll get from me is a hug, whether she likes it or not because honestly, the only ones i've had since nick left are from my mom and i hugged erin at her bday party the other day.

From here:
When I moved here and didn't know anyone I told Robby that I was surprised what I missed most was being touched. I didn't just mean by him so I'll elaborate. When you're in a city full of strangers there aren't hugs, there are just handshakes or maybe a brushing of shoulders. But when you're surrounded by friends there are hugs, arms around each other's shoulders, guiding hands on each other's backs. This is a primordial comfort that I had never thought of until I was alone for the first time in my life.

ditto

terrence koh

a highlight

je voudrais vous voir

my shoes are piled up next to the black bookshelf in my room. there are my light brown leather men's shoes that i love, but the laces get untied quickly. there are the brown boots that can be short or tall depending on my mood. usually i am in a short boot mood. there are my white slip on loafers that i bought when i still worked at the arts club, but that make my feet sweat sometimes. then there are the black rite aid slip ons that i can't wear in austin because my feet smell in them. its a fact. there are the pink and purple nikes that i love more than most things in my waredrobe and that i bought down on 6th avenue with carrie and that i look for every time i am back in nyc. i never find them and it makes me sad and happy because those shoes define me. they are me. comfy and loud and girly and worn. in those shoes, i never have to think because they will take me to the ends of the earth. i wore them every day i was in amsterdam. i wore them weekly in SF during my tenure there, and they were always spoken of highly when taken out of my closet in chicago. i haven't attempted to wear them in austin, but i know they will be a hit, a conversation at least, and i will feel like myself when i wear them again. my united states crossing, punky brewster/rainbow bright personality that is outgoing and smart and comfortable and focused. those shoes do not define me, but i define them, and it makes me feel less lonely knowing they are just waiting at the end of the bed. what can i say...i am a purple and pink kind of girl.

in and out

it has been raining here all week. i welcome it and also hate it at the same time. it makes me nervous to drive, after the flash flooding on tuesday. it makes me realize that i always forget my umbrella. it makes me stay inside even more than if it were sunny and i could at least drag myself to the pool to swim laps and interact with the world beyond work.

i am going to attempt that interaction tonight, and go out with kevin parks hauser, possibly. i say possibly because i may be very tempted to stay in like i have been doing and watch season 2 of friday night lights and look for apartments online and talk to nick on the phone. i would get to drive my new car, which is a reason to go out. so are p.terry's fries late at night after drinking a few beers. i suppose going out would be the honorable thing to do. and then yoga in the morning tomorrow.

i like the slight reinvention i am putting myself through in terms of exercising. i absolutely love and hate bikram, which possibly is why i have been doing it so much. that, and i am alone in a new city that is welcoming but also not yet homey to me so i stay on the periphery. i do that during yoga too, where i park my mat in the back corners and try not to be noticed. so far i think it is working. and maybe it just takes time and i think that is ok. because spotlights are not always necessary and alone time is regarded highly by me right now, and i probably will continue these thoughts until i am in my own house filled with my own things and the boy i love and the dog we'll share.

full hearts.

it's music video week on sets of paragraphs.

i'll let you be in my dreams if i can be in yours

obsessed. take me to paris now.

i remember every hour

austin so far:
recurring dreams
p. terry's french fries
maroon cars
swimming
yoga
beige houses
housing scams
bbq (duh)
bug bites
red noses
sandals
skirts
new friends
world cup
lone star beer
kegs on porches
heat
hot yoga
whole foods
ample amounts of water

the ebb and flow

How Much Does Your Building Weigh, Mr. Foster?

one two three

i am in love with this. this and a dog named ditto i wish i could rescue from the animal shelter asap.

frying eggs on sidewalks

i am here.

a prelude

i would grow coconuts if i liked them. my boyfriend's beard always smells like home. and i cannot sleep through a night. i always wake up to use the facilities.

i've thought about escaping sometimes, to places that still have 1930s trains and where people know how to speak at least three languages, going between them as if they are one and you are one with the three. i've thought about it a lot over the past few years. i thought i'd end up in berlin where the wind would push me around and the beer would taste uncanny and the crackling leaves in the fall would remind me of another place altogether. i am however, not ending up there just yet, as austin calls from the part of texas that others rave about and where i might find a man playing a harmonica with his soul in his mouth. i rather hope for that, along with other things like two dogs, longhorns, and bbq. real bbq. i still hope for berlin though, for the place where at least three languages become one and where i may live in a flat for two that includes an old dog named henrik. a distinguished name some would say. as of tomorrow, though, i will enjoy hot summer nights, full of stars and energy, full of lone star beers and swimming holes, and maybe for once, i'll feel sort of southern in a texas kind of way.

future present

on wednesday, i will be in austin swimming in barton springs.

light my fire

"On Monochrome" Wanda and Wonder from Medicine Agency on Vimeo.

tex mex

nick, myself, and christy, july 4th, 2009.
hope we are all three in austin before the end of summer 2010.

the woods that see and hear

here's the thing: i am moving to austin in 14 days.

here's another thing: i have yet to successfully take advantage of all sf has to offer, but in the next 14 days, i will attempt to do just that. although i will probably just do everything i have been doing since i got here- park, divey bars, mexican food, and good beers with friends.

here's one more thing: my going away party will consist of sneaking beverages and m&m's into a movie theater to see the a team the night before i leave. i will splurge for popcorn.

walk on

on my must have list. custom made keds by luca antonucci.

you are my friend, always

sometimes, i just listen to this song over and over again.

between the bars

i like sitting in my bed the wrong way. the internet works better when i am closer to the door and i can look straight out my window and see the light on in the apartment across our yard. the light is always on, a beautiful white yellow through curtains and sometimes it glows blue from the television the tenant has. we've decided he is a gamer, up all hours of the night, gaming. i have tried to imagine what he looks like, and how his apartment is laid out. sometimes i think he has a beige sectional and the largest flat screen i can imagine. he wears odd colored polo shirts and has really nice glasses. other times, i think his furniture is really mod- white and simple and his tv is completely hidden when people are visiting. it only shows up for the games, which could be anything from mario kart to those first person killing games i am terrible at. right now, the palmetto tree in our backyard obscures the whole window, but it seems its not game time, but reading and working time. i suppose the tenant could be an insomniac, which is a terrible thing to be. sleep is not only essential, the best part of it is waking up after a lot of it. sometimes i watch for long enough and see the curtains move slightly, which means there is either an animal wandering around or the tenant has a fan blowing. because you never see him. and i am sure he is a he, because my landlord's wife told me that. she used to have their bed facing the window, but would always put down the shade due to the tenant's night light usage. i moved the bed because of my weird tick of always having one side of the bed against a wall. funny that i sleep on the other side of that wall now. nick sleeps against the wall when he is here. the curtains just moved slightly. i hope that the insomniac tenant does have an animal. a cute cat or house trained rabbit. it just seems necessary because i am sure he is single and having an animal is a good thing. i suppose its bad to make assumptions about your neighbors, but i also suppose that is just human nature. i hope my assumptions are half right. sometimes, its really nice to be proven wrong.

the morning after

once again. grabbing on to whatever i can.

i'll be your blackbird, hanging on your telephone wire.

the day yesterday was a wash of sunshine and grass stains.
in every moment that passed, i thought of the future and the present simultaneously.
i thought of glass walls that forgave appearances and the feet of dogs as they jumped gloriously.
i thought of the ease that comes with bicycle baskets and the feeling of nails on my back scratching.

tonight, i sit in my second bedroom staring at the endless summer.
the air is fresh mixed with stale, and i have the urge to run outside yelling.
lightning bugs are on my mind along with the ease of slip on sneakers and the taste of honey.
my hands smell like grill and summer and hazy sunshine and saliva.
all alone for a moment that really is 3 hours and my arms are open and my mind is clean.
clean until the summer-ness disappears into the fog and the rains come back.

louis kahn, anon

dream house

there are softer dreams

ishmael randall weeks

A Fresh Look: Observations on Artistic and Social Practices in Urban Farming

A Fresh Look:

Observations on Artistic and Social Practices in Urban Farming

Project Launch, Underground Market and Panel Discussion

On April 27, 2010 the Thesis II MA Collaborative Class hosts a book and website release event at the SFAI Chestnut Street campus. The event kicks off with an underground market presented by forageSF, and music by blues guitarist David Jacobs-Strain. Become a member and buy tasty treats from forageSF that include homemade baked goods, raw chocolate, raw honey, jams, jellies and marmalades, pickles, gumbo, quiche, kombucha, and more. Following the market MA Collaborative members will speak briefly about the culmination of their yearlong project examining various aspects of urban farming. Next is a panel discussion about the state of urban farming, peer to peer networks and food policy that will feature artist, educator and author Ted Purves, David Burns from the LA-based art Fallen Fruit Collective, and Gavin Raders and Heleh Zandi of Oakland’s Planting Justice. Capping the evening is a reception with homemade desserts and beverages from Frey Vineyards and Trumer Pils.

This celebratory event marks the launch of A Fresh Look: Observations on Artistic and Social Practices in Urban Farming, a publication and website. The project is the collaborative effort of the second year MA students in Exhibition and Museum Studies, History and Theory of Contemporary Art, and Urban Studies departments, and critically examines the intersection(s) of creative and social practice and urban agriculture. A Fresh Look contributes to the evolving dialogue that surrounds the practice of urban farming with essays that delve into decentralized peer to peer networks within urban agriculture, institutional interest in urban farming, food justice, architecture and design, and the history of the relationship between urban agriculture and artistic practice. Interviews include artist Fritz Haeg (LA), Bohn & Viljoen Architects (London), and Planting Justice (Oakland). Additionally, the website will include extended content not available in the publication.

www.afreshlook.org (live on April 27, 2010)

MA Collaborative: Rachel Adams, Pat Augsburger, Darin Bauer, Julie Edwards, Yuen Lee, Adam Prince, and Christy Wiles

Tuesday, April 27, Schedule of Events:

4-7pm: forageSF Underground Market and music by David Jacobs-Strain.

7-8pm: Project Launch and Panel Discussion with Ted Purves, Fallen Fruit and Planting Justice.

i am and you are

scott polach

fairly small torpedos

tonight. uptown. 10pm.

this will be the last bday celebration for me, as tomorrow reality sets in again. but, until then! i will party like the birthday girl i am.

smack.

yesterday was my birthday which included ample amounts of food, beers, friends, and sunshine. it was quite lovely. i am officially in the later part of my twenties, but i suppose it is really not a bad place to be. lets just hope someone else thinks i have major potential and hires me, so i can not be unemployed for the rest of this age decade.

nick got me a basket for my bike, which i just installed and am about to take on its first run. i can attest that seamus, my bike, is going to be quite a stud with this new basket, and i am particularly excited about the lesser amount of weight on my back. so, i am off to the new southern exposure space and to see jack hanley's last show and to not carry anything on my back because it will all sit in my basket! another great day. i love april.

what is happening

potato perspectives.
Åsa Sonjasdotter

ode to san francisco, 1905

the light in the middle of every man's fall

today is one of those days that has to be productive. its rather annoying waking up that way. sure, i want to get things done, but i want to want to, not because i have to with no other choice. because that creates even more procrastination and i have no more jamie oliver episodes to watch.

its hard to be close and far with everything and everyone in my life right now. dinner last night was a relief, a sunny spot in a rainy day, and a delicious time with absolutely lovely ladies. i love consuming bottle after bottle of wine and eating a little too much curry because its just perfect. i will miss these nights when i leave 378 and possibly leave san francisco. even though its been awhile, that table has treated me so well over the past two years. i think back to the endless brunches and impromptu dinners, christy's birthday dinner where we were so squeezed together, romantic candle lit nights with nick, sofia cutting our hair after dinner one summer night, and thick crust goodness pizza that carmen brought us. bottles of wine and cartons of ice cream have been passed around that table many times over and i cherish them all. eating with friends is truly a luxury you can never have too often.

kids on the run

i lost my keys today and i'm pissed about it. molly has moved her stuff out of the house and i wasn't even here for it. her room was the homiest in the whole house and now its gray and sad. i've sort of been in my own world, moping around for the past week. maybe moping is not the right word. too busy to be moping.

nick and i made vietnamese spring rolls last night and i ate the rest for lunch while watching martha stewart make pierogis. she was using a meat grinder to cut up the cabbage, which looked like death, and she kept saying how gorgeous it all was. i don't think i agree with the gorgeous, but i bet they were delicious. i like wrapped foods where everything is edible. mai made me brussel sprout and apple turnovers for dinner the other night. no joke, they were amazing. i guess that is what happens when brussel sprouts are soaked in sugar for hours.

thankfully, i was able to climb through our upstairs window after i lost my keys. it made me think of the numerous times i had to climb through the bathroom window in our house in tenafly because all the doors would be locked. i think i cut my leg badly once. i barely remember that house, let alone the cut.

i'm trying to finish things so i can take a shower and watch some hulu and eat brussel sprouts and purple potatoes for dinner. i am tempted to go back to the dogpatch and stay with nick tonight since i have a meeting there in the morning. but i miss my house and my roomates and my bed, so i'll fight that urge for tonight. plus, there are about 40 magazines here that i have not read yet.

to be alone with you

un an

when i reach to scratch nick's back in the middle of the night due to his habit of teeth grinding, i never think of it as a burden. i rarely think about it really because i am mostly asleep, but when we wake up and i tell him, he always has this worried look on his face. he thinks he is disrupting my sleep. i think of it quite the opposite. i like that i can reach and touch him in the middle of the night. i like that he is there, no matter the fact that we rarely sleep intertwined like some people. we sleep rather individually on specific sides, but we can reach and touch and that is the difference. before nick, i rarely could ever reach and touch someone. in fact, i never really knew how to sleep with another person, except for mathew. my entire time in amsterdam, i was reaching for nick and not realizing it. i'd wake up in the morning with my arm on his side of the bed, possibly scratching his invisible back while he invisibly ground his teeth. i think of nights apart, even when we are both in san francisco and i am saddened that we cannot be together. i have grown accustomed to his warmth and his heart and his crinkly eyes when he smiles. it is quite wonderful to have a man that loves you.

future forward

Nikola Tesla, 2009, wax pencil on paper, 4 x 6 inches by Christina Empedocles

an act that would be a decision

we dream too hard

i haven't checked my horoscope for awhile, but i'm liking this one:

So you think you can (insert talent here)? Your confidence soars to breathtaking heights this week as Venus enters Aries and your ruling planet Mars powers forward in direct motion. Hands down, you have the leading edge in all that you do. Your firepower is hard to contain, but you don’t need to use as much force as you think. Soften your touch a bit; be the iron fist in the velvet glove. People won’t quite know what hit them, but they won’t mind falling under your spell all the same. Take the helm of a creative project that’s been veering off in a willy-nilly manner. People await your visionary direction; it’s fine to let your bossy streak shine this week. Romantically, you could be elevated to demi-goddess status among the ranks of your friends. Why? Because you know how to go out and get exactly what your heart desires without following old-fashioned social moires or waiting for anyone to give you permission.

the old brand new

i am in amsterdam and blogging. is that cool? i have no idea. i am sitting in the lobby of my first hotel and about to go to my second, which will also be my last. i am exhausted from lack of sleep and an emotional breakdown yesterday and now i am just thinking about my life and what i really want. its funny that pulling chard out of my garden and seeing the fog roll in are some of my favorite things right now. i am homesick. its pretty lame in a way, but when you are so far away, it just seems so much better to get home quickly.

i had my interview this morning and i have to say it did go well. but now, i am just going to enjoy my three days left here. and buy new jeans because mine ripped. i am going to a screening tonight, and meeting all the other interviewee's and it should be interesting. i am very glad i was first. more than anything, i just want to take a nap. and possibly eat a huge hamburger. and then maybe hit the flea market tomorrow. its definitely a hard experience traveling by yourself and i hope i do not have to do it again for awhile. i am excited about going home and going camping at point reyes. and to not be by myself.

but right now, i am off to drink a heineken, which i expect will be delicious.

letters from a front

mai is doing a dinner project and she is having me to dinner. i told her no bleu cheese and alcohol. i also told her that the main ingredient i wanted was brussel sprouts. nick says he has never eaten so many brussel sprouts with anyone but me. they are a main staple in my diet and i am interested in how other people cook them. i am a pure sauteed in garlic, olive oil, and salt kind of girl. carey lin made them with raisins one night. those were delicious. we'll see how mai makes them. she mentioned pickling them, which could be great! i don't like pickles but i like pickled things. weird, right? i always give my pickles away. steve took them the other night off my zeitgeist burger. i hate the juice when it touches my bread and makes it soggy pickle bread. my brother also hates pickles, but my sister loves them. i think both my sisters do. when i was in chicago i hate brussel sprouts with prosciutto. that was bomb. i am unsure why there is not a restuarant that is brussel sprout based. i am really making myself hungry with this post.

tonight, however, i will have yellow stalked chard from my garden. sauteed to a crisp in garlic, olive oil, and salt. what can i say? i am traditionalist.

8 on a saturday morning

this would be the best right now.

blow your own horn

architecture and its discontents

"What finally is beauty? Certainly nothing that can be calculated or measured. It is always something imponderable, something that lies between things."

-Mies van der Rohe

when things cast no shadow

i am sitting for a dog in my friend's house for the next three nights. the dog already ripped the sheets on my bed when i was showering. and then she acted all cute when i scolded her. damn puppies.

right now she is sleeping at the other end of the sectional sofa. her nose is buried in front of her and i just want to go lay down and snuggle with her.

last night i walked home from zeitgeist after beers with adam, jeremy, and steven. the night felt fresh and the moon was waning i think and i sang lady gaga in my head while my feet took me home. by the end i was so tired that i almost stopped to rest on the bench that is halfway between church and sanchez on my street. that damn bench tempts me everyday.

i just woke the dog up because i sneezed really loudly.

i spent the day reading and talking and discussing and reading some more. i ate brunch in the sun and lunch in the boy's kitchen and dinner on the sectional. i am pretty content and even more so because of good feedback about my thesis and the fact that there is mozzarella cheese in the fridge. mozzarella makes everything better.

i am just ranting in this post and i am tired and i have to walk the dog before we curl up in bed. what a long day.

so fresh and so clean

i'm excited about amsterdam.
bas jan ader, the fall II.

i'll love you forever even though i don't know what that means

The place that you rip open again and again that heals

downtown detroit/wood that resembles downtown detroit.

all my friends are funeral singers

i'm finally back at bernies after weeks of absence.
i hate weeks of absence.

last night was tough and all i could ask for was answered when molly let me cry on her shoulder and nick arrived soaking wet at my door with beer and kisses.

i miss everyone i love all the time. i need to keep in better touch with people.

nine high school girls all wearing a shade of purple just walked into bernies and its kind of amazing. they all have different patterned jansport backpacks.

the sun is in and out and i am in and out and everything seems a little better when listening to conor oberst on repeat.

apart, we are together

well, call me if you want to talk. i'm here.

two suns

young and spry

i picked a bag full of lemons in the rain this morning. they are now sitting on my kitchen counter, hopefully to be used for some lemonade and some zest.

yesterday, i went on two short hikes in marin. i sometimes forget how beautiful the north bay can be. at times, when we climbed over rocks and saw the rolling hills, i felt like i was in scotland.

on friday, i took a ferry to tiburon with nick, where we ate pistachios and drank laguinitas. we had dinner with his aunt and uncle and their friends and we talked about our future. the usual topic of discussion. i think its getting easier and harder at the same time. at least, i am getting excited about the next step.

time to work hard and enjoy the next few months. time to eat whole avocados and drink beers in the sunshine. time to go hike for hours to natural hot springs and hug redwood trees. time to not plan and just do. at least for awhile.

to build a house you start with the roof

in less than a month, i'll be in amsterdam for an interview and i'll wear my interview suit and bum around the city for a few days. hopefully, i can rent a bike because it won't be too rainy and see the city that way. see if its a place i could spend more than 4 days in. see if its my future.

more than anything, i am just sick of all this talk about my future. i'm frustrated and really scared and i just want some clarity about it. about a lot of things. i am floundering and anxious. i went to bed at 4am last night and am awake before 9am. at least there are puppies here. and my best friend, although i cried in his bed yesterday morning and couldn't tell him why.

i had dinner with three of the strongest and most beautiful women i know last night and i settled down a bit. but sooner than later, the conversation just turned to transition and where we were all going and it seems that no one really knows anything anymore.

i do know that amsterdam would be an amazing opportunity and that may lead to others and maybe then my roof will materialize. but as of now, i can't sit still.

the duchess

this is what happens when your best friend is a brilliant and well known artist. you are immortalized in print, wearing clothes you wish you actually owned. order the age of innocence here: the folio society

shakespeare's sister

i found this on the blog of the girl who wants to go to berlin.
i am reading david harvey articles instead of blogs today.

ready steady

last night i had the pleasure of receiving one of the best compliments of my life from one of my favorite people ever. aliza morell says, "your problem is that too many people love you and i am included in that." oh aliza! how i love you sooooo.







aliza's work is rocking my socks off lately. she was in my show at dcp in october and i've always envied her drive to create. these new scenes she is doing in her series walking at night are beautiful. she is trly able to capture the perfect light of the chicago streetlights that dot her neighborhood. she is one of a kind.

we're going to be friends

but when? can we be best friends? i found this image on a blog of a girl who apparently also wants to get to berlin and she's never been either. maybe we are destined to be roommates there. she seems cute.

satorialist style

carmen, our own satorialist.

team work

last night, brianne and i took the 44 bus to the inner richmond to have dinner at one of our favorite places. we spent 2 hours in the bar nearby chatting and laughing and intensely discussing our respective lives over some beers. but, before we got there, we sat on the bus and suddenly 10 teenage boys clambered on and sat in the back with us. they were loud and laughing, cussing and cute, and after about one and a half minutes, brianne and i felt more awkward and out of place than we probably ever have before. she said teenagers scare me. and they were slightly scary, but these boys, with their baseball caps and skateboard sneakers took our breath away. we tried not to stare or listen but it was impossible. they made jokes and tried to talk to us toward the end of our journey. we laughed, giggled, and were transported back to the world of junior high where we first met and bonded over thomas and peter and mike valentine, the heartthrobs of our 6th grade class. oh michael valentine! how we both lusted after you and only brianne ever got a kiss. seems like yesterday when i get to spend hours with brianne shooting the shit and talking about our families. but really, she has and always will, give me some of the best advice and always know how to make me laugh so hard that my face hurts afterward. and that is all you can ever ask of your best friend. 17 years and counting...

among dreams and strange fires

can someone tell me when your dreams have seeped into your reality? i went to bed thinking about a certain thing and immediately upon waking from this very vivid dream, i realised, that could still happen. minus the fact that the dream was based in the house i grew up in or that my entire family, ok not entire but part (mom, dad, kate, carrie, and i) were frolicking around picking giant amounts of fruit off the trees in the front of the house. lets just think about how this house was in new jersey and no trees in the front yard bore fruit. but somehow, there were giant oranges and small clementines and lemons everywhere. it was super odd and for some reason, my father was super into it. it definitely confused me when i awoke as my father is not super into anything like that. he reads novels on war and watches tons of sports, but if i ever see him pick a lemon off a tree giddily, i might faint. or i guess i would be dreaming. some of the rest is foggy, but not the part where a very good friend of mine shows me something i utterly dread. and this is not to be shared with the world, but it made me think of how much i dread not knowing what the future has in store for me. today, i will speak to a man on the phone about my future and although this seems like some sort of call-in psychic, its really just a man who shares my passion about art. so, hopefully that dread will be somewhat lifted, but more than anything, i hate waking up in a panic and thinking did that really happen.

clouds that look like mountains

marlo pascual.

give me free spirits and grain elevators anyday

a life once lived

katherine westerhout