Sunday, July 26, 2015

expand my klein bottle and let me out

I wrote this almost 7 years ago:


all that's solid melts into air

usually, i am completely ok with who i am. i'm satisfied, thinking i have made mostly the right choices, dealing with the fact that i haven't made some folks too happy with my "art school" notions and my tattoos and living in a world that is unlikely to get me a well paying job. sometimes, i feel i've disappointed my family, but in a very superficial way such as cutting my hair too short and wanting to move to berlin instead of paris and fleeing for california instead of back to the east coast. and i sort of wonder, thinking maybe they are right...maybe i'm pushing myself into this life that is so different from what was originally planned for me, from who i am. but then i do what everyone who feels this way does and say its bullshit.

i am not a new yorker, no matter how hard i'm pushed in that direction. i am not seeking power and glory and money. i am completely (for the most part) carefree about where i might end up in 2 years. in fact, it excites me, knowing i can be anywhere. i spent the past seven years in chicago, where i became a much different person than when i first moved there. my life changed drastically. there were the rollercoaster highs and the low tides and the one time my heart shattered, but mostly, it was splendid. and i wouldn't change it for anything. i would not change me anymore. i think i am who i am supposed to be. for many reasons. and instead of having doubts about my future path, i worry about student loans. typical.

three weeks ago i stopped feeling comfortable. i left the one place that had immediately felt like home (a place i barely left for more than 2 weeks in 7 years) and moved to san francisco. my close friends, the tree lined streets, and the stoop i loved all vanished. i have forgotten how to be alone and i really am bad at it. being alone is not easy...your heart becomes heavy, yearning for a dog to walk, a monday night dinner, a shared laugh. there's little laughter. you are not as strong as you want people to think. habits are hard to break, even when the people you share them with are far gone. i miss the movie nights, i miss the cigarettes, i miss the streetlights. but that's necessary. i've waited a long time to be where i am and i have no intention of turning back. i have the intention of suceeding. i want to be an exhibition maker. ausstellungsmacher.

goodbye chicago. i love you.
goodbye friends. you are always in my heart.

hello san francisco. you have a lot to live up to.
hello friends. you have even more to live up to.
Saturday, July 26
Now, I am in Buffalo where I am struggling with the same types of things. Breaking the same habits, missing friends I made in Austin daily and seeing the prominence of their lives flash before me on social media. I want to be back in Austin where eating tacos for every meal is perfectly alright and there are children of my friends running amidst adults drinking party drinks and sneaking cigarettes and swimming happens all of the time. Cowboy boots regularly, hot coffee and iced coffee and late night sessions of friends on the porch. But we are not there. And most luckily I say we because I am not alone anymore. I have my boys-the most lovely boys in the world. One amazingly kind man and one amazingly snuggly dog. And we are making friends and late night sessions are starting to happen. I have succeeded in my career and I am doing the things I left Chicago to do and I cannot be happier with that decision. Its just getting used to the unsung future that has me thinking backwards instead of forwards. I assume that is nature and I'm ok with that right now. Happy to be heading to San Francisco for 1 day and 2 nights to see those new old friends and love on them with my heart and leave again a stronger person. Renewed, California style. 

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