Sunday, July 26, 2015

expand my klein bottle and let me out

I wrote this almost 7 years ago:


all that's solid melts into air

usually, i am completely ok with who i am. i'm satisfied, thinking i have made mostly the right choices, dealing with the fact that i haven't made some folks too happy with my "art school" notions and my tattoos and living in a world that is unlikely to get me a well paying job. sometimes, i feel i've disappointed my family, but in a very superficial way such as cutting my hair too short and wanting to move to berlin instead of paris and fleeing for california instead of back to the east coast. and i sort of wonder, thinking maybe they are right...maybe i'm pushing myself into this life that is so different from what was originally planned for me, from who i am. but then i do what everyone who feels this way does and say its bullshit.

i am not a new yorker, no matter how hard i'm pushed in that direction. i am not seeking power and glory and money. i am completely (for the most part) carefree about where i might end up in 2 years. in fact, it excites me, knowing i can be anywhere. i spent the past seven years in chicago, where i became a much different person than when i first moved there. my life changed drastically. there were the rollercoaster highs and the low tides and the one time my heart shattered, but mostly, it was splendid. and i wouldn't change it for anything. i would not change me anymore. i think i am who i am supposed to be. for many reasons. and instead of having doubts about my future path, i worry about student loans. typical.

three weeks ago i stopped feeling comfortable. i left the one place that had immediately felt like home (a place i barely left for more than 2 weeks in 7 years) and moved to san francisco. my close friends, the tree lined streets, and the stoop i loved all vanished. i have forgotten how to be alone and i really am bad at it. being alone is not easy...your heart becomes heavy, yearning for a dog to walk, a monday night dinner, a shared laugh. there's little laughter. you are not as strong as you want people to think. habits are hard to break, even when the people you share them with are far gone. i miss the movie nights, i miss the cigarettes, i miss the streetlights. but that's necessary. i've waited a long time to be where i am and i have no intention of turning back. i have the intention of suceeding. i want to be an exhibition maker. ausstellungsmacher.

goodbye chicago. i love you.
goodbye friends. you are always in my heart.

hello san francisco. you have a lot to live up to.
hello friends. you have even more to live up to.
Saturday, July 26
Now, I am in Buffalo where I am struggling with the same types of things. Breaking the same habits, missing friends I made in Austin daily and seeing the prominence of their lives flash before me on social media. I want to be back in Austin where eating tacos for every meal is perfectly alright and there are children of my friends running amidst adults drinking party drinks and sneaking cigarettes and swimming happens all of the time. Cowboy boots regularly, hot coffee and iced coffee and late night sessions of friends on the porch. But we are not there. And most luckily I say we because I am not alone anymore. I have my boys-the most lovely boys in the world. One amazingly kind man and one amazingly snuggly dog. And we are making friends and late night sessions are starting to happen. I have succeeded in my career and I am doing the things I left Chicago to do and I cannot be happier with that decision. Its just getting used to the unsung future that has me thinking backwards instead of forwards. I assume that is nature and I'm ok with that right now. Happy to be heading to San Francisco for 1 day and 2 nights to see those new old friends and love on them with my heart and leave again a stronger person. Renewed, California style. 

Saturday, July 25, 2015

There's room for your head in the corner

One must have chaos in one to give birth to a dancing star.
-Raymond Federman

Friday, June 21, 2013

today is tomorrow

“There are two kinds of light – the glow that illuminates, and the glare that obscures.”
James Thurber

Monday, May 13, 2013

diamond crossing

let's say, all is quiet on the eastern front. it is quiet outside. the windows are closed though. perhaps not as quiet as i think. the eastern front, as i now call our neighborhood, is loud and brassy. dogs bark, insects peep, cars rumble and trees sway. but right now, i hear the overhead fan spinning. i hear skeeter sighing every once in awhile which makes me smile. and yet, i don't want the quiet and i do. 

i think tomorrow it will be the same. yes and no. back and forth. let's just say, all is quiet until it's not.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

amor fati

sometimes its ok to go a little crazy. like when you drink a little too much with your girlfriends and end up dancing on an empty dance floor to an empty stage. you are not hurting anyone. some people would think you are lame; others think you are awesome. you don't think because you're just happy pretending to two-step with the man you are going to marry.

Monday, November 19, 2012

i came here on my own

the tea i am drinking at work is old, but it still has a taste. i really just need something hot and i think the old tea is working. today there are chills in the air.

i want to write about color, but my brain is hurting because its monday and thanksgiving is on thursday and i really just want to be home cooking for the party. but i keep seeing color everywhere and i want to make a show about it and i want it to actually occur. so, after this is done, i'll read more. and listen to the tallest man on earth.

orange scissors, purple pen, hot pink book. these decorate my desk, creating mountains, allowing for little space to type. my desk is hill country. there are no meadows though. only hills.

i'm starting to realize that as much as i love what i do, i need another hobby. i rode my bike yesterday. it felt amazing and the sun was shining and it didn't matter that i still hate the men's saddle i have. it was perfect. but i need a different hobby besides riding my bike. i need to not sit on my couch when i get home. i should make things. i should volunteer. i should turn my desk into west texas instead of hill country.

tomorrow i can do that. tomorrow i can find a hobby too i think. i think it needs to be far from art. or maybe just really crafty as to not confuse.

tomorrow i can do that.

Monday, August 6, 2012

possibility and probability

it has been absolutely too long since i've written in this blog. i also barely read my emails that come through on gmail and i am pretty horrible at returning phone calls. avoidance. i don't really know why though. maybe now that i am 30 and am supposed to be a bit more grown up, i am reverting back to not wanting responsibility. not worrying about the future and the fiscal implications of marriage. not taking a stand against things i know to be bullshit and also just not talking about how i am feeling with my parents, friends, siblings, etc. i am using this post, as i have used many others in the past, as an arrow. an arrow that shoots right into the middle of a long list of tasks that i have been avoiding. that is about all i have to say about this topic right now. except for that i will resume posting here on a regular basis.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

30 years young

in a few days and all i can do to get through the horribleness of today is think about two-stepping later and my beautiful bearded man and all of the people that i love. work absolutely sucks today. so does at&t uverse internet set up.

Monday, February 13, 2012

before the law

things i love are letterpress invites and robert rauschenberg and tea any time of day.
things i love are nick's beard and nick's new sense of style wearing cardigans.
things i love are a night full of fires and friends who constantly are laughing.
things i love are love and amy's dogs in their sweaters and my dog's insane knowledge.
things i love are walking in chicago on a fall day crunching leaves and smoking cigarettes outside.
things i love are tiny love bites from nick and waking up in my bed with my dog under my arm.
things i love are amazing artists that are sweet and excited about life, that make rad paintings.
things i love are new york city bagels and going to museums and walking forever and brooklyn.
things i love is my art collection that is scattered and amazing, with large and small pieces.
things i love are california and the smell of sunshine and delicious wine on a porch.

i guess there is a super long list that keeps getting longer. i guess there is nothing wrong with that.

Thursday, January 19, 2012