everything but the girl

i was supposed to drink tea and watch a movie. agnes varda. i threw up earlier, who knows from what. i ate too much yogurt, i was nervous, i smoked two cigarettes really quickly. i hate throwing up, as i assume most people do. the unnaturalness of it is disturbing. i talked with my sister and i imagined her in her white kitchen with a white cigarette and a white wine and her two boys in white polo shirts bouncing around her. well, harry in a white polo shirt and holden in something from quicksilver. his favorite store. i want to get white sheets for my bed. i've been thinking about that for awhile. seems more grown-up. carmen says i'm like rainbow bright with my collection of towels. i suppose i always loved rainbow bright. i like to stand out. matthew called and sounded all serious, but the conversation was not so much. he started to say what he ate at taco bell, but i told him i would throw up again if he did. do the right vagina i said. you have a fat head he said. sarah sucked at tetris in the background. i like that matthew calls my dad skippy. he's the only one now, now that my grandmother is gone. i went back to reading laura's secret blog after we hung up, after he said he missed me too which is nice to hear. sometimes you want to be missed, even though it makes your heart sink to know all your friends are going to see harry potter without you. i moved so i lose. my house is empty but my sheets are clean. not white, in fact, striped white blue green yellow purple orange red turquoise. like that striped zebra gum from the 1990s. another for molly's list. i have a sudden urge to go out and look at the street lights and see if anyone is walking up my street, but it seems like too much work. i keep hearing fireworks. i feel lonely even though i chose to be alone tonight and now am not tired enough for sleep. i wish my stomach didn't hurt and i could eat ice cream.