Tuesday, December 9, 2008

cold blooded old times

last year at this time, i was cold. thinking about graduate school applications and wrestling with daily snow storms in chicago and wondering where my life was going. i was frozen last winter. i wore long underwear, double gloves, scarves, hats, and a long puffy jacket. i wore my uggs into the ground. i would sit in matthew's apartment, in my long underwear, in my hat, under a blanket, and think if it was feasable to smoke a cigarette with my frozen hands. he drank a lot of tea. i drank a lot of hot chocolate. he never understood how i could drink mine when it was still so hot, and i think it was because i was frozen. when your bones are chilled, you are never warm. you never think you'll be warm again in fact. i would go home at night to my freezing apartment and sleep in my long underwear and sometimes even socks! and wish i had either a boy or a puppy to curl up with. funny. i still have those thoughts, although right now i would rather have the puppy. after the coldest winter months, after i threw out my uggs and hung up the winter coat in a closet far far away, i was still a bit chilled. but probably because of other reasons other than weather. i was accepted into grad school and my future was around the corner, but my past was lurking. it lurks still. it jumps up and down when i need to concentrate on things in the present. it says rachel rachel i am here and i am going to annoy you and make you feel the cold, the chicago cold that never escapes your bones after you live there. i am wearing gloves right now and two sweaters and socks and i even turned the heat up. i tell myself to stop being cold. i am willing it but i cannot escape it. not here, not even when i turn my face to the california sunshine and smile. i suppose that is just how it will be now. i suppose i am going to be ok with that.

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