Saturday, March 14, 2009

a funeral for the wrong corpse

today is one of those days where every minute is a tad bit more depressing than the one before, where the phone doesn't ring, where your pants are too tight in all the wrong places. i've come in from the cold only to be blasted by it once again. my house is cold. cold and gray no matter the fact that i sit in a colorfully striped bed with a hot pink sweatshirt on. the grayness is seeping. maybe i should be in panama city where the beach is one big ashtray and the girls have gone wild, over and over again. or maybe i should be in new york taking walks with girls and holding hands with boys; maybe just that one boy who likes to hold my hand. i like to hold his. or maybe i should be where i am, and just allow myself a second and a half of pure joy which means watching 10 episodes of the secret diary of a call girl while drinking philz coffee.

i had this person, who i thought, liked me in all the ways except for pure love. and i lusted after him and his brain and his heart. i made myself fall deeply for him and he told me there were two sides to me...the sweet innocent bright-eyed rachel that he wanted to wake up to and the sexy dark-eyed do whatever you want to me rachel he wanted to go to bed with. and maybe those are things about me that he loved, but he never loved me although i always thought i could change that. i suppose i am pretty naive in a sense about life. i mean, i just want to have brunch. i don't understand why that is so hard.

5 comments:

molly prentiss said...

i think you should join the creative writing program. your words are really beautiful.

Carmen Winant said...

all i want is brunch. brunch and whatever.

nyla said...

this too shall pass. (march is the most melancholy month.)

and i agree with molly, your words are beautiful.

matthew said...

all the men you have loved are too emotionally fucked up and similar. when you speak about them in vague ways, i can never tell them apart.

i always preferred the inbetween-eyed rachel. the one that learned new things with a fire in her gut, and never let down no matter how stupid she was being. that's the rachel that i couldn't tell whether i wanted to run away with, or strangle.

angella said...

i love your blog.
it makes me feel better.