life versus death

i think about a time when i took a train to another train. i stood in the rainy morning with a man who wanted to buy me a cup of coffee. when the car came for me, you said, i almost lost you to him? i smiled, laughed a bit, thought, you will never lose me. i always come back to you. a moth to a flame. we ate bacon and eggs, touched our feet under the table, and i gazed at you. i said to the forest! we stomped around, deep in the green of the springtime, needing to be together outside in the world. branches broke when i stepped on them and huge prehistoric ferns spread themselves in our path. we stopped on a fallen log and i gazed at you again. a moth to a flame. i am all nerves. i thought this was over but yet i sat there gazing. it smelled wet and my pants felt wet and my shoes were muddy. you looked at me, you gazed, and i smiled. i want to be back there again, in that time, before everything stopped being about moths and gazing and started being about life and death. to a time that had no questions, no expectations, no fighting, no hurt. i am so glad there is one cigarette left on the dresser. i want to change everything.